So, yeah….

Okay, so it has been a crazy long time since I have updated this blog. I will give you the semi short version of what has been going on. As per my last post, the expectant mother we were matched with did deliver, we were there, three days later she changed her mind and we came home. Within a week or so we began to hear from her that she wasn’t sure if she had made the right decision. Long story short, at five weeks old, we returned and went to court with the birthmother who placed with us. So, we are the super proud parents of the most amazing little girl on the planet who is now six months old. A LOT has happened eh? Any way, I will be starting a new blog and will post a link to it here in order to document our search to become parents, but our journey as parents in an open adoption. Apologies for any one who doesn’t know me personally read this and wondered what the hell happened. Were it me reading I would assume that I had a total melt down….which in some ways I kind of was, although I think I always felt in my heart, we would hear from her again and things would work out. Either way I held steadfastly to my faith and knowing God did not have plans to harm me, and was in control. Again, sorry for the crazy delay in what was new, and again I will post a link to the new blog. ❤

 

So, new blog link is on the right or go to  http://miraclestaketime.wordpress.com

Starting over

So the latest update is this, the expectant mother we were matched with has delivered! I was actually in the delivery room and saw this beautiful baby be born.  It was quite an experience. After three days however, she decided not to continue with the adoption plan and to parent. We have always understood that nothing was a done deal until it is a done deal and tried to prepare ourselves for that. It has been hard, and our hearts are broken. However we support her right to make this decision and hope for the best for her and her child. We know the right situation is out there for us somewhere and we will just have to keep the faith. We appreciate everyones kindness and the out pouring of support we have received. We feel a real peace that God has a plan for us and we are still excited to see what that is! This experience is a roller coaster indeed.

What in the world is going on in our world?????

So you may be wondering, as it has been FOREVER since a post what has been going on. A lot has happened since the last post. We have had kind of a whirl wind of things happen. Several contacts who we talked to but bottom line, we had THE contact November 10th from an expectant mom, who has chosen us! We have talked with her a lot, she has come and stayed with us for the weekend and we love her so much! We always had hopes for what the “perfect match” would be like, and this has surpassed that by leaps and bounds. We have developed such an amazing relationship with her already. We know that with open adoption, nothing is done until it is done, so although she has chosen us, she will have to basically choose us again after birth, and we are prepared for that. (as much as we can be). Bottom line, we have met this amazing girl who I now can’t imagine not having in my life, 🙂 Anyway, like I said, reason for no posts, there has been so much going on, and it was difficult to know what and how to post. This opens up to everyone, and while I don’t mind “putting my business” out there, I want to try to maintain her privacy. So, thus the lack of too many details about the expectant mother. We are so over the moon about all of this, and for a lot of reasons. I knew we would be over the moon to be “matched” and closer to our hopes of becoming parents, but as much for that, or even more so, because we have this new amazing person in our lives. I know it may sound like a load of BS, but there are times in life when you meet a person and know, there is an instant connection, something beyond the both of you, and that is how it is with her. So, we will be excited for the relationship as it exists now, and we are. Three people, with an amazing connection, a tentative plan for our futures, and love for each other. Just enjoying the ride and allowing God to work in our lives. We feel so unbelievably blessed right now, for what we have RIGHT NOW, not JUST the possibility of what is the future,but for right now! Okay, think that is what I have got for  now. I will keep you posted as we move along. We appreciate everyone’s interest, prayers, and support. We appreciate you respecting our and more importantly the expectant mom’s privacy. 🙂 We have trusted in God’s hand to guide us and move us through this journey, what a miracle and blessing to see it in action. Never ceases to amaze me.

❤

Meiko, my favorite summer album..

So, not much to write in awhile, but thought I would post a couple of songs from my most favorite album of this summer. I have said before, music is truly such a soundtrack of my life (cliche I know) and I will always relate these songs to this summer. I spent many many hours laying on the beach listening to this album. There are definitely pieces of both these songs that very much relate to where I am now. Anyways, also just want to spread the word about this fantastically talented lady! Enjoy!! 🙂

Not great videos, but you get to hear them at least. This whole album is awesome so check it out!! We are headed off to the beach again for a long weekend to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. (which is officially tuesday of next week) Wow, 14 years! It’s hard to believe really. Can not believe it has been that long, guess time flies when you are having fun 🙂

 

Jan

 

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Mums, monsters and meatloaf

SO, it is finally starting to feel like fall. Which I love as it is my MOST favorite season! Cool/rainy day+day at home+PMS=my need to cook comfort foods! Meatloaf, macaroni and cheese and homemade chocolate chip pecan cookies. Looks like I am running a couple extra miles tomorrow! We have had such a beautiful couple of days here! I got some mums for the front porch Friday. I think I will go back and get some pansies for my flower boxes out back. We went to First Night Friday downtown to see a friend’s piece in show called “Monster Mash” Friday evening. The piece was amazing! He was super stoked and won 3rd place! It was great to see him so excited and get some well deserved recognition for his work. We bought a little piece at the show. I should have thought to take a pic of it to post on here, but alas I did not. I will get to pick it up at the end of the showing. (end of the month) It is called “Patty the under the bed monster!” It is creepy and cute and I plan on putting it in the nursery. I have been building a collection of books, but this is the first art work. I plan on painting a few of my own for the room. Plus, I have my little art project for the room in the works. The plan is to have friends and family who are artists to pick a song they wish to dedicate to our child and use that as inspiration for an art piece! Then our little one will have their own little art gallery of art especially for them! I will make a book with the stories of each piece and the songs that go with them. I need to get to work on mine! Anyways, after the show Friday, some family and friends came over and hung out. We had a great time hanging out and chatting and catching up. It has been a perfect fall weekend capped off by a beautifully lazy Sunday 🙂

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Tale of the unknown caller…..

So, as those of you who have been on the potential adoptive parent (PAP) side of open adoption know, when your phone rings with an unknown number, your heart begins to race. Is this it?? Is this a wrong number?? Is this one of those “fishing” calls to see if it is a legitimate number?? For those of you who have not experienced it, let me tell you, its SUPER AWESOME. I have come to have an odd relationship with my phone ringing. I can’t say I am a fan of it, but it is the relationship we share now. So, when the phone rings, before I glance at the number is the initial pause of, “hmmm” then if I see it is a number I don’t recognize, the heart races, and I am scared to answer! Scared it isn’t a contact, and scared it IS. Do I want someone to call?? OF COURSE I do, but its kind of a terrifying prospect! Exciting, but terrifying at the same time. I have heard tales of calls in which you hold the line and said mystery caller says nothing on the other end to simple hang ups when you answer. I can not begin to imagine the difficulty of dialing the number on the other side and how scary it is to make that call. Its like a weird blind date of sorts, I guess. I don’t know that there is a way to describe it really. An initial contact with another person, who you are about to quite possibly share one of the most important an intimate parts of your life with. Weird., and wonderful. Thankfully the days of staring at my phone and checking it every two seconds for any missed calls have passed, though we still share an odd relationship me and my phone. So I patiently wait for THE long awaited, exciting and terrifying phone call, and in the meantime have a love/hate relationship with my little green Iphone 🙂

Jan

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Moments..

We have had a lovely weekend here in ‘ol Raleigh. Got an impromptu invite to see Little Shop of Horrors Friday with two of my sisters, which was awesome. Hadn’t seen it in so long forgot how funny and dark it is. Afterwards we walked around downtown and got to be in the midst of a Flash mob in the middle of Sparkcon, an annual showcase of arts, music, entertainment and fashion downtown. It lasts all weekend and there was some cool stuff going on, artists working on their sidewalk art pieces for the competition, music, dancing and it felt fantastic out. We actually returned Saturday to see how some of those pieces progressed and watch the little kids learn to juggle, hula hoop, participate in the art competition, live graffiti, just lots of cool stuff. We really do get to partake in a lot of cool things in the area, and they are increasing in frequency which makes me happy 🙂 In these moments I find myself getting more and more excited imagining us some day in the future with our child at these events. I can’t wait to watch them discover the world and themselves. The idea of watching a little person experience all these things, and helping foster their creativity and imagination will be the most amazing gift. Anyways, it was a great weekend 🙂

Jan

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Music, School and Hurricanes OH MY!

So not much more to report on the adoption front. It is hard trying to be patient and positive but we are doing our best. We TOTALLY know we haven’t been on the books and waiting for terribly long, but doesn’t make it any easier. Also, well intentioned daily “how is the adoption stuff going? any calls yet”, questions from coworkers, family and friends don’t help with not thinking about it. Mostly we do a good job not focusing on that, and on living our lives. There are moments when it hits home. I can’t speak for Scott, but one example was last weekend at the beach for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the beach as I find it to be one of the most relaxing places for me and we go as often as we can. (we are pretty lucky that is fairly often as my parents have a place there) Last weekend however I had one of those moments. We were sitting there I had my ipod in, one ear only as per usual so as not to block the sound of the ocean or Scott to my right should he have some commentary on something. A series of songs came on which I had been listening to a lot last summer when we were at the beach in our “two week wait” after our last IVF attempt. It hit me hard. I associate SO much of my life with the music I was listening to at the time. I didn’t find myself caught up in the sadness of the failed IVF because frankly, at that point I think I was pretty confident it wouldn’t work and that this wasn’t the way we were meant to grow our family. What struck me was, the timeline. I started cataloging in my mind, how long we have been on this journey to try and be parents. All of the people who had since gotten pregnant, adopted etc, delivered babies. Babies now celebrating 2nd birthdays, or more. I mean could it all have been really going on this long??? Then just started feeling overwhelmed with the length of time, and what we may still ahead of us. Will it ever happen, etc etc. After some tears, and a good (mediocore really) nights sleep, I was back to normal. Whatever that is. Anyway, sorry to babble about my slip in to self pity from the weekend. My point really is, I have nothing new and fantastic or exciting to report. We are here, on the books, waiting, surviving, some days better than others :). Meanwhile, I am considering whether I should go back and get my Master’s degree. I clearly have lost it to be thinking of such things, and must be in desperate need of distraction.

On a happier note, we are off to the beach again! I know, the scene of previously mentioned sad day/afternoon. However like I mentioned we both find it extremely restful, and we need to decompress. Scott actually took a couple days off, and since I only have to do 3 days a week (albeit 12 hr days), we are heading out after I am home from work. So here is to a hopefully uneventful day at work tomorrow with no egocentric surgeons or anesthesiologists. (They are mostly ok 🙂 ) Also, hopefully the hurricane will not wash us away! Well off to bed, have to be at work at 530 am 🙂

Jan

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Vintage goods and green apple gelato

Yesterday we had a lovely day. We headed out to Wake Forest, a small town near Raleigh with some friends. First stop was at one of our favorite vintage stores GC5. We love going here and seeing what new little treasures and trinkets they have. The couple that owns the store are super nice, we enjoy talking with them and sharing stories. Visits to the store have become as much about checking out the merchandise as visiting with them :). No purchases yesterday though this store has provided us with some cool vintage items. Such as, Dr Seuss books to add to my collection, old brightly colored Pyrex bowls, and our 1959 Zenith console stereo which plays all our old albums beautifully, the radio, and Scott has configured it to play our Ipod! 🙂 We love mixing the old with a new, it is sort of a hobby of ours. After we left that store, we headed for a tasty lunch at a local deli/pizzeria. Then on to a little local spot for green apple and biscotti gelato. Very tasty!! Overall a really nice day. These days I treasure in themselves but also look forward to toting a little one along to show them all the cool little places and moments there are to be found.

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Lack of control

So we have just passed the one month mark for being on the books and admittedly it was harder than I think either of us thought it would be. It has been quite a roller coaster of emotions, mostly not great ones, but I think we have leveled back out. I had a rough start to this week for sure. We met at our support group through our agency on Tuesday which left me feeling more bummed than supported. Not for fault of anyone, I just let my emotions (and PMS) get the best of me. I started realizing in the end of this week, that I was starting to let what happened to me while doing our fertility stuff happen to me now. I started fixating on end results not being here NOW!! Only end results, not the process, not what I was doing this for in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, the end result has always remained the same, we want to be parents, I want to be a mom. However, like when we did the fertility treatments, I got so focused on the goal setting/list checking side of myself that I forgot the journey and was only discouraged and hurt when at the end I was not getting what I wanted. I sound like a spoiled brat. Again, I am so goal oriented and used to taking proper steps to get said results and then getting said results. Really what it is, is my great distaste of lack of control. I say I like roller coasters, and I do. Roller coasters however, have a defined beginning and end. I can look at it before boarding, assess it, and have my timeline for roller coastery fun. This is NOT the case for this process. I have to remind myself to enjoy the journey, despite my lack of control. I know that it is my own insecurity that causes me to feel uncomfortable with the whole uncontrollable state of this. It pulls out in me things I don’t like in myself, but I’m thankful for that and being forced to work on it. Trusting the journey, trusting my faith, and letting go. So, right now, I am good. I feel at peace with all this. Realizing we don’t know how long this phase of the journey will take, I am really at peace with it. So, what has helped…praying, .talking with Scott, talking with my friends, our agency forums, blogs from other PAP’s, AP’s, parents who have already placed or are considering placing. All these things let me know I am NOT alone. You know what else, plenty have done this before me and come out the other side. Short waits or long waits, they all happened when and how they were supposed to. Every parent will say, when they look at their child, they know, that it happened in the time it was supposed to. That’s it, it will happen when it is supposed to. It is organic, uncontrollable, scary and exciting.

Jan

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